Intimacy in a Small Space
At the start of California’s “Safer at Home” order, I was interviewed by a sexual wellness brand and blog that focuses on modern intimacy through arts, science, and relationships. While some of the questions they posed and responses I provided speak specially to general human connection and physical intimacy while sheltering in a small space during the first months of the pandemic, much of the interview is applicable still, even as our state has inched towards reopening.
I’m sharing this slightly updated/modified version of the Q&As here on my blog, as I’ve recently received several messages from folks wondering how we manage time together, time apart, and physical intimacy here in our compact home.
Q: With social distancing & quarantine, how has human contact changed?:
A: Inside our home, not much has changed. We are used to being in close quarters with one another 24/7, although we used to have a few hours of exception sprinkled throughout the week, as we split or paired off to do various activities away from home. But now we’re learning how to connect with others in a whole new way. Thanks to technology, we can instantly be digitally united with our friends, family and colleagues from afar, while also discovering their unprepared homes, their unfiltered moods (many of them raw), their evolving habits, and their struggles along with their daily triumphs. And while we haven’t experienced the abundance of free time that so many others have referenced, we have indeed experienced a transformation in how we perceive and prioritize time throughout the day and night, which leads to increased connection in some ways, and reduced connection in others…
Q: How do you make space & time for intimacy?:
A: Depending on the form of intimacy, it isn’t easy. But I acknowledge what an immense privilege it is to be able to “shelter at home” with the ones I love, so I won’t complain.
In certain respects, our close proximity and constant exposure to one another make our deeply-seated bonds extremely strong, which is one of the reasons we live the lifestyle we do. However, when it comes to uninterrupted in-depth conversations and physical intimacy as a married couple (with a three year old who is constantly mere feet away, and while juggling a very small business that’s been rattled by recent events), those moments are limited and have relatively inflexible boundaries. But that’s okay— it’s certainly a new learning exercise, and we’re open to figuring it out.
Being physically intimate as a couple in a small space with a child always has its minor challenges. But we were creative in the first years of our relationship— now, 10 years in, I think that it’s helpful (though not always convenient,) to have the excuse to be mindful of how and when we connect, rather than lean into routine. And when I think about it, space itself doesn’t play as much of a role in finding places and moments for intimacy as much as general stress and exhaustion do.
Q: How do you carve out solo time?
If Adam or I are in need of a bit of air, one of us can walk the dogs or take a bike ride. But I can’t recall a time in recent memory when this has been necessary. Throughout the day we have the space we need to divide and conquer. For example, Adam and West can play and garden on the porch while I work on the back stoop. And while we can easily access one another (and I can enjoy the sounds of my child’s giggles, and the twinkling of the water circulating through the hydroponic stands ), we still have the space we need to be our independent selves and experience our own unique version of each day.
Q: What is a movie you will definitely watch?
A: We haven’t watched many movies as a couple— when we have time together we usually like to use it in other ways. But we did get a tiny, portable projector that has been a surprisingly fun way to transform several zones throughout our home into a cinema without the need for bulky equipment and wires. It’s proven useful for turning the living space or garden into screening rooms so that the bedroom can remain dedicated to self reflection and physical connection for my husband and myself.
Photos by Lucia Doynel
